It was recently brought to my attention, in just the darn cutest of ways, that my online personality is not a desirable one. I have to say I'm surprised it took this long for reality to catch up. I had one hell of a run though. But I jest. Here's how it went down; met a guy on tinder (because in 2016 this is what passes for romance) started chatting, got along quite well, set up a date, then out of the blue he cancelled. Initially I was a little disappointed because he did seem really nice. I know right?! Girl, when you gon learn guys are never as nice as they seem?! But we'd just met, I wasn't invested yet and these things absolutely happen. I just said that's cool, best of luck and he felt the need to TELL ME like he wasn't just unashamed of it, but almost PROUD of it, that he googled me and read this here blog, the very same one, and 'didn't want to hurt me'. Okay, great cover mate. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impressed with the smoke screen he conjured, when really he just didn't like the person he met via stalking. I don't come off great on this blog, I know it. Y'all, I know it! But this has never been about serious writing for me. This blog is my therapy. Sometimes I think that maybe I write this stuff publicly because I need to know that I'm not all alone in the world, because this world can be mighty isolating at times. I mean, I'm on tinder for fucks sake! That would never be how I'd play it if we all just met people in the real world like the olden days. But putting this out there on the internet makes it real for me, and somehow it makes all those bad thoughts and all those obsessive antics subside. I also hate being a downer around my friends and family. I do when it is unavoidable to but after all those years drowning in depression and being choked by anxiety, I was ALWAYS a downer and I don't want to be that girl again. Putting all my neurotic thoughts on the internet means my beloved people only have to hear the CliffsNotes in real life, so really, this is like charity. But more so it's like purging the bad to make way for the good. But why am I defending myself? This guy was actually pretty toxic. I've never seen someone go from nice to nasty in under a minute. Kidding! Of course I have. You guys know my ex, right?! :)
See the thing is that I'm not even surprised anymore with the lack of civility involved in dating. But then thinking about that makes me very disturbed. I remember a time when it was considered really inappropriate to online stalk someone before meeting them. It was like saying "I want to meet you, but not in person. I want to meet you from the comfort of my sofa, ideally sans pants and con nachos. And I want to judge you superficially rather than respect you and meet you and draw my own conclusions." Apparently being a creeper and a coward is super acceptable these days, and not something anyone seems embarrassed by. All this business created by the internet-obsessed age should make us more tolerant right? The fact that we don't seem ashamed of most things anymore should mean that we make room for other people to be their true selves, right? wrong. If anything it's made us less tolerant. It's now so much easier and safer for people to do and say horrible things to whomever they want whenever they want for literally no reason whatsoever. It's made bashing minority groups into a goddam sport and it's also leaked into our real lives because people in general are slowly but surely losing that voice in their head that used to say 'that's not a good thing to do. Don't say that! Be civilized!' honestly, whatever happened to civility?
But this guy was clearly not right for me, nor me for him and I'm really glad we worked that out before meeting. However, I do wonder if we'd met at a concert or bumped into each other in the street and had that awkward apologizing at the same time thing, while helping each other pick up our respective belongings (so very meet-cute I know, but this is my imagination so I'll fabricate whatever fantasy I like) if we might have got along. Maybe we would have still been nice to each other, maybe that fiery nature translated into great sex and great debates, maybe we would have had a good run for 6 months then torn each other to shreds, maybe we would have walked away from each other and never met again. Who knows?! But I tell you this for nothing, that sort of exciting mystery in dating doesn't really exist anymore. And for me, that feels like a shame. It feels like we're being robbed of one of the best bits of dating someone new.
Ultimately, I'm always going to have trouble with this whole internet dating thing. I love truly great 'how we met' stories, I love when you meet someone and you feel that jolt that tells you 'hmm there's something special here', I love awkwardness that turns into warmth, basically I just love the real thing. But I am learning a lot and it's a pretty interesting study in human behavior, this whole dating app biz. In the mean time though, this blog will remain as it is, the scary rambling of a messy idealist who knows when to shut up but WILL NOT ABIDE! I am who I am, and one day I'm going to meet someone who loves this person just as she is. We all deserve that, even the creepy stalkers and the messy idealists.
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