I believe that the person I end up with is going to be someone very unusual. I believe this because I know it will take a very unique individual to appreciate my own particular brand of neurosis. I also believe this because I don't really rate the basic bitches. I don't want someone I can easily swap for another someone without causing too much of a disruption to my life. I want someone so special that if they were to exit my life, I would feel a great void. I don't want someone who does and says things that I've heard and seen a trillion times before. I want the exception not the rule. And because of that I have very little patience for generic player behavior. I don't think it's my job to accept callous disrespect simply because dating etiquette has diminished rapidly. I don't think it's my responsibility to compromise my self-esteem and self-worth in the hopes that eventually it'll be built back up, you know... when that douche-bag guy realizes I'm worth his time and starts behaving like a human being. Nope, I don't think any of that bollucks is worth my participation. And so I always bow out when the smoke and mirrors have faded and the truth is drunkenly heckling me from the front row. I end my set, I take stock of what I've learned and I begrudgingly move on. It sounds great and rational and logical and it is definitely on the newer side, this perspective of mine. If a guy treats you like airplane headphones, by which I mean he sees your immediate use but knows he'll be discarding you at the end of his travels, then you definitely shouldn't be hoping he'll slip you into his bag for the next flight he takes. I mean, he's not a good egg ladies. He will never be. Maybe one day he'll meet someone who makes him see the importance in treating women like human beings, but probably not. Maybe he'll find the perfect little doormat to walk all over and save his designer loafers from too much hardship, which is still disturbing because we know there are so many girls out there begging to fill that role. And that is heartbreaking. But either way, you will not be either of those girls to him. Good GOD girl I HOPE you won't be!! Because you and I know, compassion can not be taught, and integrity can not be bought, and goodness exists or it doesn't. End. Of. Story.
These facts remain, but the hurt caused in finding out someone you naively thought was the unicorn of single men isn't really anything other than your standard, heartless, self-serving player; doesn't diminish in light of these facts. It still hurts to be wrong, it still hurts to be reminded how well men lie and with such little guilt, it still breaks you when you think about the things you gave up in your pursuit of true intimacy, those things you will inevitably need to gain again before starting the journey aaaalllll over. Knowing that he just wasn't right for you and the guy who is will never make you feel this way, doesn't always calm your agony. In fact, it rarely does.
It seems sometimes like we're all fucking insane. It feels like we're the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result. Feeling insane can cause insanity. But unfortunately relationships, or ill-fated relationships at least, are all the same. They masquerade as being different each time, but the basic thesis doesn't alter. If it's right, you'll behave right. If it isn't, you'll fuck each other up and not really understand why. And eventually someone will decide that what you're doing isn't healthy and they'll end it, hoping the next foray into dating will be more fortuitous. Sometimes the other person is still sure they can overcome all the hurdles and can't understand why you've decided to give up so easily. This sucks. Obviously. But eventually we all reconcile the breakup with the shitty relationship it freed us from, and then get back up, dust ourselves off and try yet again. Sure, the next one might be the same, and the next and the one following that, but if you want real love and you don't want to settle, this is the road you have to follow. I guess we all need to work out how much and the breed of pain we're willing to endure for the end result we're hoping to achieve. Some people don't really need an exceptional coupling to be happy, they just need any sort of companionship that keeps the loneliness at bay. Some people don't see love as a priority. Some people care too much about it, and let each wound get infected and spread and turn into scar tissue and then let that define who they are rather than any other factor. Some people just give up. Some people, like me, get trigger happy and always have the kill shot waiting for any sign of trouble. Some people find what they're looking for. Some people never do.
I try to understand why people do the things they do. I think that if I can comprehend their motives, then I can atone for them and still maintain a positive outlook on life. But my pursuit to understand every horrible thing done to me has proven to be the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to me... and at my own hands, none the less! this is deplorable! Understanding doesn't make it better. Sometimes, it makes it worse. I realize more and more each day that letting go is literally the only sane option. We can't change the past, we can't make a bad person good no matter how loudly we yell at them or how desperately we plead with them. We can't make someone love us, they either will or won't. The only thing we have complete control over in a relationship is our participation in said relationship. It's not easy to hear, it's not nice to think about, but the truth is that if you feel like you're the only one abiding by the 'common-decency' rule book in your relationship, then he/she has already chosen not to participate. And you deserve to be with someone who doesn't need to read the rule book at all, they just know what a goddess/squire/winner like you does and doesn't deserve and would never test those boundaries for fear of losing you. And you know what, kittens?! I deserve that too. So I'm going to wait for that. And in the interim, I'm going to read a lot of Sylvia Plath. That'll inspire optimism, right?!
