Not one to be easily discouraged, I am persevering with this online dating endeavor. There are two reasons for my absolute refusal to give up on romance at any cost. Number one; Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks fell in love on the internet in 'You've Got Mail', and I've always said what's good enough for Megs and Hanksy is good enough for me. Two; I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment. People always throw around the word 'masochist' in relation to me, which is unsettling, but just as my queen did quote 'Haters gon hate'. Whatever the reasons for my charging forward through thick forests of disappointment and deep, murky pools of disillusionment, the point is that I'm not giving up just yet. But there are so many reasons why I should. Let's list them all, shall we?! No.... no we shan't. Aint nobody got time for that.
The thing I've found most harrowing about this process is that even when you think you've finally won the game, you find out there's yet ANOTHER level to conquer with all new rules and obstacles and oh so much fresh confusion. Even when you think maybe, just maybe, you've found that one illusive block of gold in a bin of rubble, even then it's not really a win. There are so many other tests you're put through and you have to do it all perfectly and be perfect to begin with, which alas I am not. AND I'm a highly anxious person, which I'm sure is a mad shock to the (imaginary) smattering of followers I have. I seem so stable, riiiight?! Yes, anxiety is my M.O. and with this gorgeous gift comes some delightful bonus features, like intense sweating if it's a tiny bit warm and my stress levels are high, inability to get words to come out in a cohesive way or to come out at all, and severe shaking of the hands, to name a few. So when I did actually meet a guy from tinder who was smart, funny, interesting, unique, cute and seemingly really kind, the date suddenly propelled to insane stakes. For the first time in a while I had something to lose that actually meant something. I was so excited for the date but as it approached it started to dawn on me how different this one would be, and I started freaking out. I was terrified, and it showed. OH did it show. It was this giant throbbing purple penis in the room. Yeah I went there, Elephant is sooooo old hat, y'all. And so I failed the third level of tinder. The levels I've reached go as follows:
Level One: Weed out the serial killers, drug dealers, sociopaths (if possible, those guys are tricky), plain weirdos, players (refer to sociopaths) and all out bad guys.
Level Two: Find one you like, set up a date, see if you get along.
Level Three: Find out you do get along, have heaps in common, same moral values, same sense of humor (soooo important, even if you personally have no sense of humor, then you need to find someone who also has no sense of humor. Otherwise baby, that dog just won't hunt), similar goals, etc. Then win them over.
Failed the last one, it seems. Ugh! it's so much work this dating app thang. I though the whole pitch of Tinder was it was fast dating? Can't I just click and select and settle into a nice relationship with the occasional, totally tolerable, hiccup? When's that app coming out, ammirite?! :)
In my world, if you don't hear from someone, then they aren't interested. End of story. No complications. no 'but what if...'s, no 'he has to wait 3 days and some guys even wait longer' exemptions, in the words of Bernard Black "No mobiles, no walkmans..... None of that.... OR ANY OF THE OTHERS". I just don't think it needs to be that complex, I want to date a person not a fucking sudoku puzzle. And I think that anyone that's right for me and visa versa, wouldn't want to play those games either.
But now I have something else to add to my list of 'deal breakers'. Waits to text after a date, gone. along with....
- Gym pics
- Shirtless pics
- All sunglasses photos (If I can't see your eyes I can't trust you, or trust that you do indeed have eyes. Eyes are kinda essential for me, even if they don't work. I'm just shallow like that.)
- Photos in front of cars (I know nothing about cars, and really don't want to know more than my current knowledge.)
- Any mention of 'DTF'
- (new addition) Photos in front of large, some would say 'human sized' cages, where the subject of the photo looks like he's hungry for blood.
- etc (covers all other things I can't handle, like rats tails or mullets, croc-wearers (shudder), poor spellers, Trump followers, Elijah Wood fans, you get the drift.)
And I know I talk a big game, about deal breakers and not needing any complications, but the really pathetic truth is that I still want to believe in love. I still want to keep my hope, I'll cling to, I'll walk through fire for it, I'll withstand the beatings and the psychological torture for it, I'll throw a lot away in favor of keeping the one thing I have left in me that makes getting back up and trying again possible. These boys can take a lot of things away from me, but hope is not one of them. And I still have my wildly vivid imagination. So sometimes for a little while I can have everything I want. Until the real thing comes along, that will be enough for me and my little puddle of hope.
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