Sunday 18 May 2014
Tuesday 6 May 2014
I know who I am but who are you? You're not looking like you used to.
My gran passed away on Monday. It was really sad but not unexpected,
and in a way it's actually a good thing. She had Alzheimer's and she'd
been gone for a while. It was hard to see her near the end, it shattered
my heart. She was so scared and confused because she mostly had no idea
who she was or where she was or what was going on around her. I cried a
lot after every visit and when dad told me she'd passed away I cried
for so long I started to worry I wouldn't be able to stop. I know that
she was in so much pain and mostly not herself anymore and so I'm glad
she's been 'set free' as people say, but she was my fav. I loved her so
bloody much and so her death is still a brutally sad thing.
Recently I caught up with the Ex. As always, it was a fairly strange experience and though I feel like we've come a long way, there's still a ways to go before we can be 100% comfortable in each others company. but one thing that wasn't weird or negative was our conversation about our grandmas. we talked in great length about was how hard it is to see someone you love being whittled away by Alzheimer's. His gran has it too, so it was nice to talk to SOMEONE about it. He understood, I thought, and could relate to it all, I thought. I was wrong.
After the breakup he worked hard... really hard... at adopting the persona of Good Guy Extraordinaire. He said multiple times that he 'would always be there for me if I needed' and was always ready with a rational, albeit long-winded, rant about anything and everything I may potentially be struggling with. I never really bought into the whole concept that if I needed his support or advice that I could go to him for this. It felt wrong because what are we really? Friends? Acquaintances? Something more specific but also more complex? Yes probably that last one. But I never really felt like he was someone I could or would turn to in times of need. Until gran passed, and I guess I was momentarily brainwashed by that last conversation, enough to think he'd be able to express genuine compassion for my loss. Silly little girl, will you ever learn?!
It's a little spooky that just as I was entertaining the thought of sending him an email, I received in my inbox an email from him! Crazy town, maybe we're soul mates after all?! KIDDING! hahaha. gotta lighten the mood, right?! But his email was just inquiring as to whether I'd seen this film yet that we'd previously talked about. I responded with...
"Haven't been yet, the night I was going to go (and this sounds so weak and girlie, please don't judge) it was crazy freaking cold, and I hadn't worn weather appropriate clothes/shoes to work that day so abandoned the whole idea and just went home and read a book in bed. How lame. hehe.
I then made a plan to go this thursday night with a friend, but now I'll be heading to the riverland that night instead. My gran passed away yesterday morning and the funeral is on Friday.
Will let you know when I see it though. :)"
I stupidly thought he would come through for me in this instance. I naively thought that he'd send some kind words back, something to say he understood the pain I was going through and maybe even reiterate some of the points we'd made about how shitty Alzheimer's is when we last met. I was less than impressed with the response...
"Sorry to hear that. I hope everyone is ok."
One line. Two sentences. And he hopes 'everyone' is okay, not specifically me you'll note. He couldn't even start with 'I'M sorry to hear that'. In fact it could have been someone else who was sorry, he could have been apathetic. Heck, there's no 'could' here at all actually, I'm sure he's completely disinterested by this whole ordeal, and why wouldn't he be? He has zero emotional attachments to me, my family or my well-being, a fact he's been trying to make clear to me for ages, but one I was just too bloody idealistic to see.
I'm sure I'm not alone here when I say my brain and my heart never seem to be on the same page. Usually my heart is running the show, making all the decisions and dictating my behaviour while my brain tries fruitlessly to take the reins. My heart is the loud, obnoxious one that fuels all my mistakes, and then later on my brain is the one who goes 'I told you so, you idiot! Next time LISTEN to me. I know some stuff' and I vowel to next time listen. Mostly my brain is just a passive bystander when it comes to relationships. And by relationships I'm talking about every kind of relationship; Family, friends, acquaintances etc. For once though, both my misbehavin' heart and my lethargic brain seem to be united. Finally they agree on something.
A while ago I decided I would only keep people in my life if they fit the following-
1. I respected them and they respected me.
2. They genuinely cared about me, in whatever capacity, and I them.
3. They were a positive influence on my life.
4. I never felt bad after spending time with them.
So far it's worked and has definitely improved my life. But why didn't I extend this formula to my 'friendship' with the Ex? Well, the truth is I actually didn't notice that he didn't fit the criteria until yesterday, the day of the email. It took his detached non-message to make me see that whatever it is we're trying to accomplish by remaining in touch, it is not right for me, not anymore. Maybe it never was. What I do know is that if he can't even summon an ounce of compassion, if he can't even bloody feign concern in a time he knows is tough on me, then what exactly are we doing? We're not coworkers forced to 'get along', we're not distant relatives who feel obliged to socialize, we're don't run in the same groups and so feel the need to make nice. We are just two people who used to date and before that used to be friends. We are just two people who have hurt each other and then healed. The difference is I'm not still trying to hurt him, in fact I never intended to hurt him at all, but I think he's still trying to hurt me. Back in the day, I loved him, and I guess the dregs of that love made me think we had something worth salvaging, in whatever way we could. I guess I thought I should be friends with him because it's not right to throw someone away who meant so much to you at one point. But I'm pretty sure it isn't the same for him. I can finally see that he's not trying to salvage anything, this is just a game to him and it's one I'm really not interested in playing. Also, no one told me the bloody rules before we started! That's not even FAIR!
Sometimes it takes something bad happening to realise who are the big characters in the story of your life and who are just the passing extras who flits around for about a chapter or so and then are never mentioned again. My heart and my brain both agree that the Ex is in that second category and not the first; as I'd previously thought. I'd be sad to lose a friend but honestly, I don't think he ever really was one.
Recently I caught up with the Ex. As always, it was a fairly strange experience and though I feel like we've come a long way, there's still a ways to go before we can be 100% comfortable in each others company. but one thing that wasn't weird or negative was our conversation about our grandmas. we talked in great length about was how hard it is to see someone you love being whittled away by Alzheimer's. His gran has it too, so it was nice to talk to SOMEONE about it. He understood, I thought, and could relate to it all, I thought. I was wrong.
After the breakup he worked hard... really hard... at adopting the persona of Good Guy Extraordinaire. He said multiple times that he 'would always be there for me if I needed' and was always ready with a rational, albeit long-winded, rant about anything and everything I may potentially be struggling with. I never really bought into the whole concept that if I needed his support or advice that I could go to him for this. It felt wrong because what are we really? Friends? Acquaintances? Something more specific but also more complex? Yes probably that last one. But I never really felt like he was someone I could or would turn to in times of need. Until gran passed, and I guess I was momentarily brainwashed by that last conversation, enough to think he'd be able to express genuine compassion for my loss. Silly little girl, will you ever learn?!
It's a little spooky that just as I was entertaining the thought of sending him an email, I received in my inbox an email from him! Crazy town, maybe we're soul mates after all?! KIDDING! hahaha. gotta lighten the mood, right?! But his email was just inquiring as to whether I'd seen this film yet that we'd previously talked about. I responded with...
"Haven't been yet, the night I was going to go (and this sounds so weak and girlie, please don't judge) it was crazy freaking cold, and I hadn't worn weather appropriate clothes/shoes to work that day so abandoned the whole idea and just went home and read a book in bed. How lame. hehe.
I then made a plan to go this thursday night with a friend, but now I'll be heading to the riverland that night instead. My gran passed away yesterday morning and the funeral is on Friday.
Will let you know when I see it though. :)"
I stupidly thought he would come through for me in this instance. I naively thought that he'd send some kind words back, something to say he understood the pain I was going through and maybe even reiterate some of the points we'd made about how shitty Alzheimer's is when we last met. I was less than impressed with the response...
"Sorry to hear that. I hope everyone is ok."
One line. Two sentences. And he hopes 'everyone' is okay, not specifically me you'll note. He couldn't even start with 'I'M sorry to hear that'. In fact it could have been someone else who was sorry, he could have been apathetic. Heck, there's no 'could' here at all actually, I'm sure he's completely disinterested by this whole ordeal, and why wouldn't he be? He has zero emotional attachments to me, my family or my well-being, a fact he's been trying to make clear to me for ages, but one I was just too bloody idealistic to see.
I'm sure I'm not alone here when I say my brain and my heart never seem to be on the same page. Usually my heart is running the show, making all the decisions and dictating my behaviour while my brain tries fruitlessly to take the reins. My heart is the loud, obnoxious one that fuels all my mistakes, and then later on my brain is the one who goes 'I told you so, you idiot! Next time LISTEN to me. I know some stuff' and I vowel to next time listen. Mostly my brain is just a passive bystander when it comes to relationships. And by relationships I'm talking about every kind of relationship; Family, friends, acquaintances etc. For once though, both my misbehavin' heart and my lethargic brain seem to be united. Finally they agree on something.
A while ago I decided I would only keep people in my life if they fit the following-
1. I respected them and they respected me.
2. They genuinely cared about me, in whatever capacity, and I them.
3. They were a positive influence on my life.
4. I never felt bad after spending time with them.
So far it's worked and has definitely improved my life. But why didn't I extend this formula to my 'friendship' with the Ex? Well, the truth is I actually didn't notice that he didn't fit the criteria until yesterday, the day of the email. It took his detached non-message to make me see that whatever it is we're trying to accomplish by remaining in touch, it is not right for me, not anymore. Maybe it never was. What I do know is that if he can't even summon an ounce of compassion, if he can't even bloody feign concern in a time he knows is tough on me, then what exactly are we doing? We're not coworkers forced to 'get along', we're not distant relatives who feel obliged to socialize, we're don't run in the same groups and so feel the need to make nice. We are just two people who used to date and before that used to be friends. We are just two people who have hurt each other and then healed. The difference is I'm not still trying to hurt him, in fact I never intended to hurt him at all, but I think he's still trying to hurt me. Back in the day, I loved him, and I guess the dregs of that love made me think we had something worth salvaging, in whatever way we could. I guess I thought I should be friends with him because it's not right to throw someone away who meant so much to you at one point. But I'm pretty sure it isn't the same for him. I can finally see that he's not trying to salvage anything, this is just a game to him and it's one I'm really not interested in playing. Also, no one told me the bloody rules before we started! That's not even FAIR!
Sometimes it takes something bad happening to realise who are the big characters in the story of your life and who are just the passing extras who flits around for about a chapter or so and then are never mentioned again. My heart and my brain both agree that the Ex is in that second category and not the first; as I'd previously thought. I'd be sad to lose a friend but honestly, I don't think he ever really was one.
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