Well well well, if it isn't my old friend the blog. Hey buddy... hey little guy... how goes it? Yes my absence has been long and yes I'm writing now purely for myself (because if my readership was low when I visited regularly, you can bet your ass it's non-existent now) but writing is writing is writing, so it's all good. What's been happening with me you may wonder? Well, a lot actually. And the good news is I have yet another revelation to share, and it's a doosy.
So the last quasi-relationship I entered into was almost two years ago, and with a guy who lived seven hours away. He only came to Adelaide every two weeks for about 5 days. We didn't even spend that whole time together, just a few nights of heavy drinking and heavier bedroom antics, and the occasional daytime meal. The one time we tried to spend a couple of solid days together was the last time. After that it became apparent that we were trying to make our hollow tryst into something it wasn't; a relationship. And the worst part was that when we finally acknowledged this, out came the other realities about our coupling that we'd both been trying to ignore. Like the fact that we had nothing in common, or that we not only didn't really like each other but also didn't really respect each other, or the deeply unsettling fact that we came together for one reason only; loneliness. I don't think I was ever even attracted to him physically, nor him to me. It is a sobering moment when you realize just how desperate you are for intimacy; how far you'll go to get any kind of human contact, no matter the emotional repercussions that will surely follow. It was this one foray into dating that ultimately set the tone for the next two years. After that, I decided me and relationships were a toxic cocktail and my best bet at happiness and healthier living was to avoid that whole mess altogether.
A couple years later finds me on a completely different path. Hi, my name is Donna and I have regular and SAFE casual sex. Yep, I'm willing to share that with the internet, with anyone who reads this and to be honest, also with anyone who asks about it. I don't think it's the kind of thing I should be ashamed of. I don't think my sexual life should be something I hide from the world for fear of being branded a slut. Turns out I'm probably going to be branded that whether I indulge in the carnal pleasures or not, because that's the kind of world we apparently live in. And after almost two years of complete celibacy (okay, not complete... there was one guy I slept with once during that period, but that's like a non-smoker having one cigarette on new years. One smoke does not a smoker make) I think perhaps I'm ready to dip my toe back into this whole business. How I do that is not for anyone to judge, my path is my path whether you agree with it or not. And who's to say which way is the best way to approach romance. I find when it comes to matters of the heart, there isn't really a right way or wrong way to go. Well, except for obvious things like 'don't force someone at gunpoint to date you' or 'the best way to break up with someone is by setting their car on fire' but do I really have to be that elementary about this? No. We're all adults here.
About four months ago I joined blendr after some helpful encouragement from a friend. Unfortunately the first man I spoke to began our conversation with-
"What do you like in bed?"
to which I responded....
"a beer, some Black Books on the telly and plenty of pillows."
which generated the reply...
"I meant sexually... [insert dick pic] ... you like?"
Needless to say, I wasn't ready for that yet. It was too much for someone who had almost forgotten what a man's bare torso looked like let alone his downstairs jackhammer. I immediately got offline and avoided the site for as long as I could but eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I revisited the bedazzled flesh wound that is Blendr. This time with a fresh approach and a new goal. Ultimately I wanted to train myself in detachment, I wanted to experiment with how close I could get to someone before I actually felt anything for them. I really wanted to see if I could work out some of these co-dependent issues I have without allowing myself to get to the point where I was again emotionally attached to someone I had no emotional connection with. So far so good, but as I am now all-too-aware, just when you think you've got it all figured out, the universe will throw you a curve ball meant to completely shatter any self-assurance you'd built up. I guess that's part of what makes life interesting and also terrifying.
A couple of months of chatting with, approving of and then meeting various Blendr squires has taught me some valuable lessons. For instance; sometimes a guy that seems mysterious in a sexy way is just your run-of-the-mill drug dealer. And when this fact is discovered, the best course of action is to always, ALWAYS Just. Say. No fucking way. I've also learnt that you can't be a sweetie via text and crazy in the sack. Those two things are too contradictory for a lot of people to handle and ultimately leads to either complete confusion or a messy fight. I don't know why yet, but I'm sure I'll find out one day. And I've also joyfully learned that as long as you aren't seeking a deep and meaningful relationship with a man, as long as you are both upfront and honest about what you are hoping to obtain from the situation, then getting what you want is a lot simpler. Within these parameters men are quite easy to... not manipulate per se but... mould? Encourage? pfft, whatever the euphemism, I think you get my drift. It is easier to gain sexual satisfaction if you aren't concerned with the longevity of the liaison. If what they think of you as a person isn't even a factor (because you haven't allowed them to learn anything about you or your life) then inhibitions are abandoned and a sort of sexual freedom ensues, which can produce a feeling similar to empowerment. But I've also learned that every encounter of this nature has a stern used-by-date and for my own mental health, I cannot continue past that point.
My only rules right from the start were...
1. Always be safe, always be smart.
2. Stop as soon as you start looking forward to hearing from them. Or ideally, just before that point.
Abiding by these laws has protected me from unwanted pregnancy, STDs and also any heartache or loss of self-esteem. I was doing so well at not feeling anything that I perhaps angered whoever it is that writes my life story and forced them to remind me what it is about actual romance and the possibility of real love that is so much more desirable. I guess I still knew that, and I am nothing if not a hopeless romantic, but just for a while I really wanted to be a more evolved version of myself. The kind of girl who could distinguish between love and sex and who could also respect the importance of each of these things independently. It was going so well too until....
There is a boy whom I've known for a long time and whom I would consider a good friend. Or maybe did consider a good friend is the truer way to phrase it. Now I still consider him a friend, just a different kind of one. The story goes like this...I had a crush on him when I was younger, then years and years later he had a crush on me. However we both abandoned said crushes due to location glitches, one or the other being in a relationship when the other was single, the fear of losing a friend, the fear of rejection and embarrassment and all those other logical reasons you don't hook up with your friend. The fact that we haven't lived near each other for a solid chunk of time has definitely helped keep the infatuation at bay, but being the impulsive and, dare I say, ever-so-slightly destructive people that we are, logic hasn't always ruled. Throughout the course of our friendship we have flirted aggressively and for short bouts of time; rather frequently. There's been some fairly graphic sexting, there's been some premature promises of sex, and then finally there was the inevitable climax that this fucked up pseudo-tryst was always leading to. This occurred recently and was sufficiently painful, just as I think I always assumed it would be. My amazingly successful-so-far endeavor to avoid emotional pain altogether had to come to an end one way or another.
He was visiting for a few days and we caught up. This isn't unusual, we do try to see each other at least once if we're in each others neighborhood. It was just as it always has been, I didn't actually think there was anything particularly sexually charged about the meet up but I did assume he was single, there was a very pointed lack of discussion about any long-standing lady friend, just some cute anecdotes about dates he'd been on. See, the thing is that no matter how much we flirted or whatever, we had never actually managed to hook up or even kiss. I believe this is the reason I decided to shelve my crush on this boy in exchange for a more rewarding prize, a male friend I respected. So to me he was just a very cute but ultimately platonic friend who I sometimes fantasized about sexually. This is the mentality I had going into the catch up, and it wasn't until a few hours in that I even entertained the thought of it being anything else. but I suppose that any one situation can be viewed in many different ways depending on who you speak to. I felt like we were just palling around as per usual, the banter that's always been there was present but I didn't read anything into it until later, when we were hanging out and about to watch a movie when he suddenly got all serious and intense and suggested that we kiss.
WHHHAAAAATT??!!!
Okay, it's not a complete shock. You know the history. But why now? Why... when I'm SURE it's not going to happen and when I'm not even remotely prepared for it is that the exact time it FINALLY happens? Also, why is it something he had to suggest? I always thought that if anything did happen it would be a lot more organic and uncomplicated than that, but is anything ever uncomplicated when it comes to feelings and sex? Nope. No dice, babydoll. So we kissed, and it was... not how I expected it. It didn't feel wrong exactly, I was just in a sort of daze of shock that made me very shy, which made me very anxious which then seemed to propel me into autopilot... which was not a state I wanted to be in. After my recent exploits into the casual sex realm, autopilot translates to sexual full steam ahead. It was the lack of condoms that initially put the brakes on, but it was the succeeding admission that he was seeing someone that ultimately stopped things for good. It also destroyed any illusions I had about us ever being anything other than distant friends. The more he explained himself, the more he forced tortured expressions and watered down apologies, the more I realized how differently we had perceived this friendship. This realization was not a happy one. And sadly, this wasn't even the first time he'd hidden a sort-of-girlfriend from me, so I couldn't even shine a more flattering (but less honest) hue over the whole thing.
Finding out someone you wholeheartedly respected and admired thinks of you in a much less favorable way is never good, but finding out that yet again the feelings of some girl he's probably known 6 months are way more important to him than those of a friend of ten years is pretty real. There isn't really a way to come back from that, romantically speaking. The other alternative is that he discovered mid-make out that the idea of me was more enticing than actual me and made up the whole girlfriend thing. Either way, I'm not coming out looking too flash. And there went what little self-esteem I'd built up over the past year or so, and with it my desire to find a boyfriend, life partner, spouse or anything in this region. It wasn't long before I rejoined my Blendr peers in the pursuit of short term satisfaction, sans the feelings. Back to casual but perhaps more reserved now. I'm not hitting it as hard and I'm much more particular with my choices now. The big challenge was to see if I could do it again after this whole ordeal with 'the boy' without seemingly doing it out of angst or some ill-guided attempt at revenge. I wanted to make sure I was still doing it because I wanted stimulation at that specific time with someone who couldn't hurt me and visa versa or if I was doing it to alleviate the lingering pain of rejection. Turns out I'm fine, just a little disappointed to have lost a fantasy I so enjoyed visiting. And maybe a little sad to lose a friendship I thought I had (even if I didn't really have that kind of friendship to begin with). I'm definitely more resilient than I used to be though and for that I am grateful.
Maybe this is just the core-shaker I needed to awaken me to the realities of dating in 2015. Because the really unattractive truth I was trying to block out is that even good men can behave like really mean boys. And they probably won't be chastised for it, or hold on to guilt about it. There are huge differences between how men and women process these things and also how they honestly view them. Women have scientifically proven natural skills in empathy that a majority of men lack and that's literally just how we were born. It takes a lot for men to be able to see a situation like this from a woman's point of view, and I certainly don't have that sort of free time. So what's the point in getting mad? What will it do to try and plead my case? Nothing. For once, I'm just saving my breath and moving on with my life. It was a good lesson I suppose. If anything it just needed a few musical numbers to spice it up but otherwise a solid education and one I thank the Universe for. You bugger, always knowing just what I need and when I need it. Sigh.
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