Every moral mother fucker out there is just mad for the
truth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth will set you free, to thine own
self be true… blah blah blah. I get the drill, and for the most part I agree.
But I also believe that we all need some secrets; you know the little ones that
we keep to ourselves for whatever reason. Maybe they show you as you were and
not as you are now. Maybe they’re a little embarrassing… like you’re secretly
hot for Donald Trump and NOT because of his money (can you imagine?!). Maybe the
secret is just too important to you that you’re not ready to share it with anyone
yet but hope that one day you will. Maybe your secret is something that would
hurt someone, and maybe that secret doesn’t need to be out in the world at all
and so there’s really no reason to bring it up. Whatever the reasoning there
are legitimate motives for keeping certain secrets to yourself. It is because I
care, and because I want to prove a point, that I will now reveal some secrets
that I have kept to myself for the above reasons. Just so you can see what I
mean….
- When I was younger (although, embarrassingly, well into my teens) I hid a picture of Jeff Goldblum under my pillow and every night before I went to bed I’d tell that picture about my day and then kiss it goodnight.
- The first time I tried caviar I hated it so much that I couldn’t bring myself to swallow it, so instead I discreetly snuck off and spat it out in a pot plant. Then later I saw my cousin’s dog going mental at the pot plant and I didn’t say a word about it.
- I have never told anyone that I secretly hope I’ll be asked to be on the cover of FHM one day. I would say no, obviously, but I’d still like to be considered. It’s the same way I feel about being propositioned for a threesome by Will Smith and Jaden Pinkett- Smith.
- I didn’t get my first pap smear until I was 25.
- I am pretty sure that one day I will be the creative director of a highly successful art/film/fashion magazine. I’m actually really sure of it.
- When I was younger and I was making the majority of my mistakes, I inadvertently set up two friends even though it was always going to end in a major shit storm. When they did inevitably break up my guy friend told me exactly why he broke up with my gal friend and I never ever told her why. It was too mean and so I kept it to myself. She still wonders to this day what happened.
- There is a friend of my parents who gives me chills in the bad way. In one instance when I was getting a lift with him he got a bit too touchy feely with me. I said some really crass things to let him know it was not cool and he immediately stopped. He now knows not to ever try anything on me, but I haven’t told my parents and actively avoid ever having to be in the same room as him for too long.
- Sometimes, not often, but sometimes when I’m sure no one is going to see me, I make my favourite guilty pleasure sandwich. It is four different kinds of cheeses with a layer of pumpkin dip and roasted capsicum dip in between each cheese layer. I love it. But just like a man’s love for his tractor, it is not one that the world is ready to accept yet. And so we are only together sporadically and secretly. But one day… one day we will be together forever.
So as you can see some secrets are meant to be kept. These are the ones that aren’t causing harm by being all hush-hush and they don’t weigh down your conscience or cause you anxiety. They are not hurting anyone and they are really just for you. Unless you decide to publish them on a blog. Then they are for you and the internet to keep. Luckily I’m pretty sure no one reads this blog except me, so these little gems are probably safe for a really long time. Til I get that creative director gig I’m no-so-secretly waiting on, of course, then they’ll be dug up by some competing Creative Director and used to push me out of my glorious position. But that’s bloody easy to solve, I’ll just say that someone made this blog in my name as a vindictive revenge attempt for never calling them after a mind-blowing sexual encounter. This way I will still look capable and professional while also notifying them of my amazing proficiencies in the boudoir. Win win!
So now that I’ve argued for the affirmative, it’s time for
me to put forward my view for the negative. Some secrets are not secrets, they
are lies. And they hurt people.
Sometimes you need to keep something secret for a little
while to give yourself time to get all your ducks in a row. This may be because
you know that the reaction you’ll get will not be a good one. Maybe it’s
because you want to make absolute sure of something before you go broadcasting
it to the world. Maybe it’s a scary secret and you need to pluck up the courage
to talk about it. I totally get postponing the reveal on the big secrets,
really I do. But what I don’t get is the belligerent denial of something when
asked about it by a loved one. This I don’t quite get.
There are two people in my life who have refused to tell me
what is going on between them for over two years now. If they were just acquaintances,
then I wouldn’t care. Really, I’d just shrug it off and move along with my
life. After all, I have a lot of things keeping me busy at the moment. Like
piles and piles of Cops episodes that
I still haven’t watched. Or the bucket list I made years ago of inappropriate
places to get drunk; I’m only up to letter G at the moment and my next one is ‘Golf
Tournament’ so I have a lot to organise. There’s also my busy candle-buying schedule
which takes up a lot of my time and my storage space to truly commit to. As you
can see, I have a lot on, so why would I even bother caring if these people
didn’t matter to me? Honestly I wouldn’t. But they do matter to me. And the
worst part is that it’s now just insulting that they haven’t confirmed their
status. They don’t seem too concerned with hiding it by the way they behave in
front of me, but they still won’t just come out and say “Yes we are dating” or “Yes
we are in love”. It hurts me that they obviously think so little of me that
they believe I don’t deserve to know. And it frustrates me that they expect me
(and the rest of my family for that matter) to treat them like a couple while
they vehemently deny any romantic feelings at all.
I’ve gone over and over the situation in my head trying to
work out why they’d still need to keep their relationship a secret but the
thing is… I can’t see a reason for it
anymore. By keeping this secret they are lying and they are hurting people. And
I’m sure they think it shouldn’t matter to us, that it’s not our business, that
they don’t need to confirm anything, but that is absolute and utter bullshit! When
you have people who love you and whose lives you are a big part of, those
people generally want to be happy for you and share in your triumphs as well as
your tribulations. I personally want to be able to dream of a brilliantly happy
future for these two. I want to stop worrying that, like me, they get really
lonely sometimes and wonder if they’ll be alone forever. I want to stop pretending all the time that I
believe they are just friends because god forbid I insult them by calling a
spade a fucking spade! I don’t want to walk on egg shells around them. I want
the friendships I had previously with these people back the way it was before all of this drama! I
don’t want this lie in my life, and I feel like the resentment in me is growing
so severe and fierce that one day it’s going to consume me and ruin these
friendships. I have in the past been so affected by something someone has done
that I shut myself off from them completely. And once that happens it’s like I
can’t get back to a place where I care about them anymore. It’s like I’ve gone
to their funeral, said my goodbyes, grieved for the appropriate time and then
taken them out of my heart altogether. I don’t want this to happen with these
two but I don’t think I can keep this bollucks of a charade up for much longer.
And honestly, love is so fucking rare these days that if you
find it wouldn’t you want to shout it from the hills? So many people I know are
lonely or recovering from detrimental relationships or (and I think this is the
worst) actually in a relationship that is making them miserable. So many people
are in pain when it comes to the truly gruelling task of finding someone who
makes you smile. Love is elusive and sometimes love is hard but love should be
cherished and not taken for granted. I may not ever find true love; I may
wander the earth trying to kid myself into thinking that deep fondness is what
love is, because I’ve never had the real thing to know any better. Maybe I’ll
have a sufficiently adequate relationship that doesn’t quite get there but
comes close and keeps the loneliness from consuming me. Who knows what’s in
store. But I’ll tell you this for nothing… if I ever fall in love and am lucky
enough to have that person love me back the same way, I will not be hiding it
from the people who care about me. I would never keep something that exquisite
to myself. And I will respect my partner enough to want to incorporate them
into my life completely, and I will respect my friends and family enough to
share that important part of my life with them too. But maybe the only love I’ll
ever know is the forbidden love between a woman and her cheese sandwich. But I
guess there are worse things in the world too, so I’m still pretty lucky.
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