Sorry is such an empty word nowadays. We use it for any other reason than its true definition and sometimes we use it to appease ourselves rather than the person we've done wrong. Sorry can sometimes be the worst thing to hear, especially if it's a hollow sorry. And on that note, I'd like to talk a little today about bullies. If you have never met a bully, then you're either really lucky or you are the bully. Either way, think of James Spader's character in 'Pretty in Pink' or Eddie McGuire in.... life, and you'll be able to visualize the type of jerk whom embodies this title. Today my bully came into my work, engineered a pained expression and interrupted me during a transaction to say the all too late, and all too hollow 'Sorry' she thought I needed to hear. Bullies think their targets are too dumb to realize their game. But that's because bullies misunderstand kindness as weakness and stupidity. Good. Keep thinking like that, bullies. It provides me with the upper hand you stole from me when you started your toxic tirade. Her 'Sorry' was like a punch in the face, because I knew and she knew that I couldn't say what I really wanted to say when I was at my place of work. I am nothing if not professional. So that bitch got to ease her guilt, perhaps even give herself praise for going out of her way to ambush me, and all I got was another horrible interaction with a self-serving meanie, that I will undoubtedly think about for weeks to come. These bullies aint messin around, ya know?!
The thing is, I needed this bully to come along when she did. In a way I should be thankful to her. I am a target for bullies, because I am kind and friendly and (to my detriment) a total people-pleaser. Bullies love people like me because they can slowly and systematically break us down in a way that is not obvious or even noticeable at the start but builds to the point where it feels normal to be humiliated and intimidated and in a constant state of fear. I never realize until it is too late. But I am getting better at recognizing the warning signs, which is a pro, but the real silver lining is that this whole experience has been too overwhelming and too heartbreaking for it to ever happen to me again, so much so that I can barely keep my hands from shaking enough to bring wine to my lips, this is NOT the life for me. No wine aint fine. This experience is just too similar to oh so many past experiences, and enough is enough. No one can make me the victim if I don't want to be the victim, and just like mi gorang noodles... I am SOOO over that whole business.
Bullies feed on insecurities, of which I admittedly have many, but they are also operating like this because of their own much bigger and much deeper insecurities. Their lives are generally so horrible that they need to tear other people down just to feel a moment of pleasure. The old me would say that we should feel sorry for these poor unfortunate souls (nothing like a Disney quote to really lend credibility to my blog, right?!) but the new me says "Fuck that! It's not my job to fix their shit, and I don't take out my anger and sadness on other people so no sympathy here, yall! Can't they just get a hobby like booze or drugs or binge-watching 'Broad City' and push their problems down like NORMAL people?!" and I'm sticking by it. It is so easy for me to make excuses for people's terrible behavior, because I really want to believe that deep down we're all good at heart and can be better if we try, maybe some of us have just lost our way, but that's not the reality. Some people are just Spaders or McGuires and they will ALWAYS be, no matter how much consideration they are allowed. It's like that time I was ordering mojitos but the bartender kept giving me margaritas. No matter how hard I tried to explain that the drink I wanted was not the drink I was given, it didn't matter, on and on I got margaritas. You can't make someone or something anything they are not. Sure, in this particular instance I was terrifically drunk and was actually ordering margaritas thinking I was ordering mojitos and so maybe it's not the best example, But I will not be bullied into thinking of a better analogy. See how far I've come?! #KillingIt
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