I don't know how to tell you this but... those are not pants. They are cheese.

Chuck Wendig said “Failure is an instruction manual written in scar tissue.” Ouch, Wendig... shit just got real. But I agree. Sometimes I think back on all the mistakes I’ve made (and am currently still making) in life and I start to believe that if I look real hard, I can see them all carved into my skin. The ones I repeat are darker and deeper and angrier looking than the others. The other ones are barely visible; in fact you gotta search hard to find them. Unfortunately there are only a few of those scars. 

I know its insanity; doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result but I also can’t seem to stop doing it. It’s like every time I think about what I’ve done in the past and how I could maybe try something different in the future, my brain tricks me into thinking that my ‘new approach’ is just that; a new approach. In reality it is just the same old business dressed up in a tuxedo and top hat, caressing my ears with its deep and soothing Barry White impersonation and promising me a better existence. It’s confusing! And mix that with a pretty limited memory of my past crimes and you’ve got the perfect combination of ignorance and stupidity. Kills 99.9% of all good intentions, guaranteed or your money back. 

I feel like I’m on that weird cusp between sane and insane where I’m definitely a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but I’m not quite gone enough to not know that I’m gone... you know?! Perhaps not, it might be like that movie ‘I Know Who Killed Me’, unless you’re in it, you don’t know what the deal is.

But most recently I’ve discovered that my need to always be a ‘yes’ person is where I’m causing the deepest scars. I can’t just go “nah, that sounds dumb. I aint buyin Sir, what you be sellin”. Instead I go “Yeh.... that sounds.... interesting? Sure you can perform surgery on me to add a little flair to your resume, why the bloody hell not?” And I regret doing it AS I’m doing it! It’s crazy! Loco! It’s David Hasselhoff eating a burger. It’s Anna Nicole Smith at the American Music Awards. It’s Anne Heche flouncing into a secluded ranch in the middle of nowhere wearing just bra and shorties and asking to take a shower. It’s MADNESS I say! And it must end. Because while those three winners didn’t repeat their mistakes (in the media at least), I do indeed repeat mine like they’re reruns of ‘the Simpsons’, except unlike ‘the Simpsons’ no one, but NO ONE wants to see them again. 

So in an effort to end all of the ridiculous problems I create for myself in just one Incredible Hulk sized declaration, my one and only new years resolution for 2014 is this-

Don’t do what you would usually do. Try something else. 

I like it. It’s to the point, it doesn’t mince words, it isn’t overly preachy and it has that certain ‘Je ne sais quoi'. Which, those of you who speak French will know, means ‘T&A’. I know that to keep this resolution I may hit a few hurdles at first. This is fine. I once spent the night with Danny DeVito. I am no stranger to a few false starts. But if I really pursue this, just as I did with Mr DeVito, I know for sure that I am eventually in for a sufficiently gratifying sexual release. Same thing, yeah?!