Can anybody find me somebody to love?!

I totally believe that all that bollucks about not being someone til someone loves you is crazy. I absolutely think that you should be able to rely on yourself completely and not need anyone else to make you happy. And I adamantly declare that being in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship is far, far worse than being single. I am by all accounts one of those new-aged women who will preach the values of being independent til my throat is sore and dry (and not from the smoking or drinking for once). But now I’m going to say something that as a modern, empowered woman you are not supposed to say. I just want someone to take care of me. 

But before you grab your baseball bats and broken beer bottles, please hear me out. I’m not saying I want someone to come in and take control of my entire life and keep me from having to ever make a decision ever again, what I’m saying is that right now I’m craving some TLC. Just for a day or so I would welcome the warmth and security a partner would bring. Because life can be a little daunting sometimes, or in my case and due to the extreme levels of anxiety I am riding day after day, life can be daunting all the time. But mostly it’s controllable; I’ve worked out a way to talk myself off the ledge when things get tough. Although that’s always a pretty confusing conversation, about half way through I lose track of which one of me is the saner one, and then start trying to ‘out sane’ them both, which leads to a complex discussion on what ‘sane’ actually means. But in the back and forth of it all, the original problem is forgotten and I’m able to move on to more important tasks like writing swear words in Spanish on the fridge. Badda-bing-badda-boom! Crisis averted!

I think it’s a combination of being out every night for 3 nights in a row, lack of sleep caused by said going out and some rather confusing employment twists and turns this week, the fact that my bestie has started to spiral and doesn’t seem to want to help herself out, and all the usual things in life that confuse and depress me. I’m just tired. Really tired. It’s only times like these (and when I go to a concert and see all the smoochy, happy couples singing along on each other’s shoulders) that I think I want a relationship again. I’ve had some doozies of disastrous affairs, and I can’t honestly say that any of them were healthy for me, but there are definitely elements of each of them that I miss. Yes, even the most heinous of relationships, the ones that cause me to shudder and shake at the thought of them, even they had their moments. And the thing I miss most is the way that when I was really fragile and run down, there was one who’d make me smile again and then wrap me up in a hug that felt like an electric blanket set to medium encasing my body. It was just the right amount of warmth without suffocating me, and it made me feel momentarily like things would maybe be okay, and it worked like a shot of espresso to rejuvenate me temporarily, therefore giving me the strength to keep on trucking. I hate to say it but it’s just not the kind of hug you can get from a friend or family member. A hug from ol Smithy (mum) goes a long way towards it, but unfortunately it falls just short of that perfect embrace.

The good news for me is that this will certainly pass soon, once I get a proper night’s sleep (meaning more than 2 hours) and have a chance to breathe again. And honestly with the way my friend’s relationships are panning out lately, I’m not jonesing to go out and get me a lover any time soon. It seems like the most miserable people that I know right now are the ones in unhealthy, unhappy and completely wrong relationships. I get that being single is darn scary. I get that loneliness is not something any sane person would opt for, but sometimes it’s more lonely being in a relationship than it is being out of one. But I can’t make people see that, and I can’t get involved. Apparently I ‘can’t even understand’. Of course that’s ludicrous. Is the reason I can’t understand because I’ve never been in a relationship? Cos guess what, I have. Is it because I’ve never been in a difficult relationship that keeps me from understanding? Cos again, I have… plenty of times. Is the reason for my lack of identification that I haven’t been with someone who is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive? I hate to sound like a broken record here kid but… you know what?! I have. It’s not easy, I know. Love doesn’t just disappear when things get rocky, but in the grand scheme of things, how much pain are we willing to endure before we go ‘that’s it now. I’m nothing but scar tissue and open wounds. I think I need to stop this’. 

That being said, I’m truly sympathetic towards those people today who just can’t seem to break free from what really isn’t right. Because I know that a good spooning is not something to sneeze at. And I know that for today… and just for today… I’d give a lot to have that for myself. But much like the life span of milk, this pathetic emotion will soon curdle and I’ll throw it out with the rotting veggies I never got around to eating. And then I’ll go get some fish and chips, throw on some old school Pixies, write angry letters to food companies in hopes of getting sent some free samples, and then all will be right with the world yet again.